what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
