I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
