it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
