Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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