if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
