After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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