we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
