Are we in a gay sports bar?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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