I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
