You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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