if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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