Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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