Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
