hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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