I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
