rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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