My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
