Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
