Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
