turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
