You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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