In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Randomize
