i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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