Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Boobs speak an international language.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
