Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
