I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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