forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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