This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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