It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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