Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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