i wish starbucks made bloody marys
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
