Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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