You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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