You can't motorboat a personality
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
