I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
