and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
