Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I supernannyed him into submission
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
