I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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