Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
