bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
sarcasm needs its own font
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
