I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
