I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
