I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
birth control should be required to get into college
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
