He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
