woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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