Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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