A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
