so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
