Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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