i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
