god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
