omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He? As in you personified your dick?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
