did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
