tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
