the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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