My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
