Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
