Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
