I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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