After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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