Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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